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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Reflections and Resolutions for Forty

In honor of my fortieth birthday I have decided not to write my usual blog full of commentary on preschool lunches and healthy recipes.   Mostly because I intend to drown my sorrows in a bucket full of wine and champagne while eating a decadent meal tonight.  I plan to follow that with a slice (or four) of Baskin Robbins mint-chocolate chip ice cream cake.  At least, I better.  If I don't get one someone is getting shanked.  (I know, I know, the chemicals, the sugar, the food dye!   Bite me.)  I made it to forty I am eating my damned ice cream cake.


Now, I know there are a lot of blogs out there that want you to feel good about turning forty.  They are full of things like "40 is the new 30", "things I know now that I'm 40."  Blah. Blah. Blah.   Here is what I know about turning 40:

1.  It sucks.   Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
2.  Metabolisms slow.
3.  Hair color changes.
4.  Things hurt more.  Lots of things.  My back, my neck, my knees.  Hangovers.

Now, I know what you are thinking, -that I am going to follow this "bad" list up with a list of all the "good" things that come with being forty - like wisdom and patience.   Fuck that.   You know what wisdom brings you?   The knowledge that other people don't have it!    I do not want to spend my time with those people.   Patience?   I think not.   I do not have time now that I am forty to wait for your sorry ass.

But, what about all of the blessings that come from knowing you are strong confident woman and mother you ask?   WTF?  I ask back.  You do not know me at all.    I am totally insecure all the time.   I'm pretty sure I'm going to get fired like 99% of the time.   And then I will be forty and won't be able to find another job because we all know those age discrimination laws are bullshit.   Motherhood, -- you mean the job that women have done for thousands of years but that I have to check every god damn website and/or book, by every expert out there, to figure out how to do it?    Not to mention the fact that now I'm forty and have to decide within the next minute whether or not I'm going to have another child. I've only just started fucking this one up -- how am I supposed to make that decision?

Have I mentioned wrinkles yet?  Because those suck too.  Forehead, eyes, smile.  Oh, and the neck!   There is not enough moisturizer in the world to contain what is happening to my neck!


There are some lessons that I have learned from watching my other forty-something friends, frenemies and nemeses.  These represent some things that I plan to do:

1.  Cover that shit up.   Now, I don't have some awesome body that I even want to show off, -- but what I have learned is it doesn't matter if its awesome showing it off looks desperate and pathetic.  (e.g. Kris Jenner).   The only exception to this rule is Madonna.   Mostly because she is the exception to every rule.

2.  Stop obsessing about food.   I know, I know, from me, a total foodie, pescetarian, this sounds ridiculous.   But forty-somethings are obsessed with organic, non-gmo, gluten-free, fat-free, vegan, whole foods, diets.   Do you know what we ate when we were 20?   Potatoes.   And, maybe some Ramen.  That's right boat loads of baked potatoes and we made it to 40.  Stop the Insanity!  

3.   I'm 40, not dead.   I like to do stuff.   Ride bikes, hike, climb mountains.   And, I have a group of friends who still do all that stuff even though they're old(er).   But, I have been so caught up in the rat race that was my thirties, that I sometimes forgot that there are things I genuinely enjoy doing and I need to take more time to do those things.

4.   Work.   I am not going to write anything here just in case anyone from my work happens to stumble across this blog.

5.   Parenting.   Back to that.   This is my favorite thing in the world.    So, my sole goal in life, is really to make it another 40 years so I get to spend them with Oliver.

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